i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
