can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
