I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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