Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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