i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
