I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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