Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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