Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize