have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
