I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
