The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
