Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
