ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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