speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
my poor anus
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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