Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
