Me. At least after what I've been through.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I need to align my fucking chakras
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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