I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
