There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
