i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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