I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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