and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
