worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize