She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
