when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Is it because I queefed?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
