There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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