I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
