Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
