3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
