no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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