Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
