i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
