so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize