I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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