Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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