I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
