my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
