yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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