Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
