i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
