I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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