somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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