The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize