he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
