I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
