I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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