if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
