Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
