my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize