tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
