just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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