it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
