So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
