My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
