Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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