So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
