My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
one might say we're banned from that church
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
