Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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